use real butter

I need a favor here, folks.

I’m a pretty independent chick, ask anyone who knows me. It’s a fairly small circle of people that I allow myself to rely upon - that I allow myself to feel safe enough around when I’m vulnerable or in need. It is just my way. This was especially true during chemo. I made mention of how chemo kinda sucked and made a mess of my ski season and my food blogging but… I never talked about the other stuff like desperately holding back tears and an unexpected wave of shock when I left the hairdresser’s after getting my head shaved despite not caring about the hair itself. Or trying to get sick as quietly as possible in the middle of the night hour after hour, night after night so I wouldn’t wake Jeremy because he was exhausted from taking care of me and working 80+ hours a week on his own demanding job. Or feeling so hungry from not being able to digest solid food for 5 days that when I dared to nibble on soft bread it felt like razors going down my throat and racked my insides for hours. Or lying in so much pain at home alone that I couldn’t get up to take my meds and I actually cried to the dog to fetch the bottle (it didn’t work - she just kept pawing at me to be let up on the bed to snuggle).

But the worst was the mental and emotional isolation. Even though Jeremy tried to always be there for me, I could see he was giving more energy than he had. Did I mention that his sideburns have started to turn grey since I began chemo? Yeah, I’ve given my beautiful husband premature grey. I couldn’t bring myself to ask more of him, to ask him to talk to me about my fears, my sadness - only to stress him out and force him to pile more on his plate - because he would do that for me. So I let those thoughts fester in my mind for a long time, alone.

And one night while I sat around waiting to get sick after my fifth round, I read on Married with Dinner that Bri’s cancer had come back - this time in her bones, in her lungs… I don’t know how dread affects you… I’ve experienced genuine dread a couple of times in my life and it’s a sucking feeling in my gut that quietly, but instantly empties my body of breath. I had, until then, kept fears of recurrence and doubt of my own treatment under wraps - stuffing it down into the furthest corners of my brain - for my own mental well-being. I try to avoid histrionics and self-induced hysteria because I’ve seen it in others and it’s really ugly, really destructive. I don’t live that way. But I sat in the dark, in disbelief, tears rolling off my face - for Bri, for myself, for the bullshit that is cancer and the ridiculous treatment that isn’t really a treatment but more like a blunt instrument where a precision tool is required. On Bri’s blog she said, “I’ve been to a couple doctors, and one of my greatest fears has been pretty well confirmed.”

I had asked my oncologist earlier what he would do if my cancer came back. He said it wouldn’t. I was persistent and when I asked if I would have to do the chemo again, my voice broke. His jolly demeanor saddened and he softly told me I wouldn’t do this chemo again, that there would be better treatments down the road. I thought it was a non-answer, but cancer treatment is a non-answer in my opinion. I went into round 6 with a positive smile and cake for my nurses. I joked with my dear oncologist and handed him a few thank you gifts: a photo of a lovely Colorado stream, some fishing flies, a book on cosmology that Jeremy had selected for him, and a card. In that card I told him I don’t fear death so much as not being able to live a quality life. Yes, I know Bri’s fear.

When my surgeon recently removed my port, I mentioned that I had felt a tiny lump in my left breast and I wasn’t sure what it was. As I spoke, I couldn’t keep that fear in check and it tumbled out into my words, into my tears. Luckily, the ultrasound was clean and I can get on with my radiation treatment and stop freaking myself out for a while. I know each person is different as is each case, but I can’t help but feel a pang in my heart when I think of Bri and it is not sympathy, but empathy.

Bri was first diagnosed with breast cancer at age 28, two and a half years ago. I was diagnosed at 36 last year. [If I had been diagnosed at 28, the first thing I would have done was quit my PhD program and tell a certain faculty member where he could stick the dissertation and all of Northern Chile.] Bri had a full mastectomy of her right breast. For those who aren’t in the know, a full mastectomy means no more right boobie, understand? This is almost guaranteed to throw any woman for a loop. And you thought hairloss was a big deal for a chick… So after this crude and barbaric surgery (I’m sure my surgeon would disagree with this characterization, but then again, he doesn’t have boobies to lose) she underwent the suckiest chemo possible because she’s young and they always come *this close* to killing you when you’re “young and healthy”. She was theoretically clean for 2 years and now it’s back and the cancer is Stage IV. Again, for anyone who isn’t up on the cancer lingo, there is no Stage V - Stage IV is teh suck. Bri has begun a different form of chemo, but it is still chemo and it still blows. In addition to the conventional methods of treatment, Bri is also attempting other alternative forms of treatment which her insurance company won’t cover (big surprise!). I won’t open up a tirade on health care in this country right now because I’d like to finish this post before summer begins…

This all leads to why I went rattling on and on for several paragraphs. Bee and Jai of Jugalbandi and many other wonderful food bloggers decided to help raise money to aid in Bri’s medical costs. Jugalbandi has turned the monthly CLICK! event into a special fundraiser for Bri. The deadline for CLICK! is June 30, 2008. Part of the fundraiser is a raffle with prizes and I am contributing a matted photo to that bounty. You may recall from Menu for Hope that I offered this photo which had been featured on the NPR website:

the owl creek pass aspen stand

I’m offering this photo again because it goes so well with the yellow theme of CLICK! and LiveSTRONG. One raffle ticket costs $25 and this puppy will ship anywhere in the world. It is an original photo by yours truly at 12×18 inches matted to 18×24 inches with your choice (if you are the winner) of a black matboard with white core or white matboard with black core. I’ll plant my l’il ole siggy on it too. All materials are archival. Really, you should go and peruse all of the raffle prize offerings. You have until July 15, 2008 to bid.

Seriously though, I could care less if you bid on my photo or not. What I really want is for you to consider making a donation either by buying a raffle ticket or just donating outright for Bri (but if you’re going to donate $25, you may as well get the ticket unless we all agree that it’s Christine’s turn to win the photo!). It’s obvious that I feel a connection to what Bri has gone through and is dealing with now. I want to help her. I guess I am hoping that we will all help her in some small way. Thanks for staying on the line this far.

To my Darling Daring Bakers: I made the cake yesterday and planned to have a post up by this morning, but I got really sick. I’m just posting the final pic and I will have the rest up at a later time. I am off to the ER. I’m sorry!! xxoo, jen

Update: May 30, 2008
I’m back, kids! Sorry to worry everyone. I had a 48+ hour bout of seriously bad stomach juju with fever to boot. Oncology doesn’t like fever+chemo (no one seemed all that concerned with my debilitating stomach cramps) and sent me to the ER to check for infection. I mean, wouldn’t it suck to finish 6 rounds of the toughest chemo regimen on tap only to die of some damn secondary infection at the very end? That answer would be a resounding hell yeah.

So thanks for all of the wonderful and kind comments you have left. It wasn’t my intention to stress you happy bakers out.

the daring bakers: we knead to bake

As most of you have figured out, I *am* a Daring Baker. Daring Bakers kick ass and they are also spreading like a virus through the food blogosphere. If you aren’t a Daring Baker (all two of you who are left) then you will be assimilated soon enough… oh yes… you will be. This month’s challenge is: The Opera Cake. Our hosts for the challenge are our beloved Daring Bakers’ founders Lis (La Mia Cucina) and Ivonne (Cream Puffs in Venice), and two of our newer DB members Fran (Apple Peaches Pumpkin Pie) and Shea (Whiskful). You can scope out all of the gorgeous Opera Cakes at the rest of the Daring Bakers’ blogs on the blogroll. Thank you, ladies!

ground almonds are the base of the jaconde

Now I, like my fellow kickass betty, Peabody, was very excited to see the May challenge was L’Opéra. And I, like my fellow kickass betty, Peabody, swore when I read that it couldn’t be dark. Not morbid, mind you, but dark as in chocolate or coffee or cocoa. I have trouble thinking of an opera cake that doesn’t have that fantabulous dark chocolate glaze and tantalizing layers. Okay, but I’m a sport… mostly. I hemmed and hawed for several weeks over what flavors to select because honestly, I detest white chocolate.

folding in the whites

I left the jaconde with an almond base as I had never tried it before - plus I am a huge fan of almonds. That was simple enough and came together as easily as a chiffon cake.

pour the batter

The first sign of trouble came when I decided to follow the instructions and bake both of my jelly roll pans in the oven at the same time. My oven is not an equal opportunity baker in that the bottom pan burned its base before the top pan even set. Surprisingly unphased, I decided to halve the recipe upon removing the cake from the oven. For the buttercream recipe, I resorted to my favorite Swiss meringue buttercream recipe, because it never fails me and we were given the freedom to make this substitution. I made a half batch and flavored it with Frangelico and a heaping tablespoon of hazelnut butter (from Whole Foods).

hazelnutty!

I flavored the simple syrup with Frangelico as well. My original plan was to have an orange-flavored (Grand Marnier) white chocolate mousse for my top layer, because I rather liked the combination of hazelnut and orange in this brittle. That tanked because my white chocolate separated too much (my fault - heat was too high) and the mousse never firmed up, insisting on remaining the consistency of vomit. Just reinforcing my already pissy feelings for white chocolate.

applying the simple syrup

I left the glaze as a white chocolate ganache. In hindsight, I should have flavored it with orange and probably should have spread it as thin as humanly possible the way Tartelette did (she’s brilliant, no?). I just cannot stand the stuff. It’s too sweet and I feel it hijacks the other more subtle and pleasant flavors of the cake. Damn you, white chocolate!

glazing

I haven’t eaten the cake proper, only tasted the trimmings from the edges. I find the glaze to be narsty, but the rest of the cake is wonderful once you scrape the glaze off. Would I make this again? Not a white version and certainly not one with white chocolate, but I would most definitely go for a classic version with a twist.

hazelnut and white chocolate opera cake

Opera Cake
based on recipes in Dorie Greenspan’s Paris Sweets and Tish Boyle and Timothy Moriarty’s Chocolate Passion
full recipe

jaconde
6 large egg whites, at room temperature
2 tbsp (30 g) granulated sugar
2 cups (225 g) ground blanched almonds
2 cups icing sugar, sifted
6 large eggs
½ cup (70 g) all-purpose flour
3 tbsp (1½ oz; 45 g) unsalted butter, melted and cooled

Divide the oven into thirds by positioning a rack in the upper third of the oven and the lower third of the oven. Preheat the oven to 425F. (220C). Line two 12½ x 15½- inch (31 x 39-cm) jelly-roll pans with parchment paper and brush with melted butter. In the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with the whisk attachment (or using a handheld mixer), beat the egg whites until they form soft peaks. Add the granulated sugar and beat until the peaks are stiff and glossy. If you do not have another mixer bowl, gently scrape the meringue into another bowl and set aside. If you only have one bowl, wash it after removing the egg whites or if you have a second bowl, use that one. Attach the paddle attachment to the stand mixer (or using a handheld mixer again) and beat the almonds, icing sugar and eggs on medium speed until light and voluminous, about 3 minutes. Add the flour and beat on low speed until the flour is just combined (be very careful not to overmix here!!!). Using a rubber spatula, gently fold the meringue into the almond mixture and then fold in the melted butter. Divide the batter between the pans and spread it evenly to cover the entire surface of each pan. Bake the cake layers until they are lightly browned and just springy to the touch. This could take anywhere from 5 to 9 minutes depending on your oven. Place one jelly-roll pan in the middle of the oven and the second jelly-roll pan in the bottom third of the oven. Put the pans on a heatproof counter and run a sharp knife along the edges of the cake to loosen it from the pan. Cover each with a sheet of parchment or wax paper, turn the pans over, and unmold. Carefully peel away the parchment, then turn the parchment over and use it to cover the cakes. Let the cakes cool to room temperature.

syrup
1/2 cup (125 g) water
1/3 cup (65 g) granulated sugar
1-2 tbsp flavoring of your choice (i.e., vanilla extract, almond extract, cognac, limoncello, coconut cream, honey etc.)

Stir all the syrup ingredients together in the saucepan and bring to a boil. Remove from the heat and let cool to room temperature.

hazelnut buttercream
8 oz egg whites
16 oz sugar
1 lb butter, room temperature
2 tbsp Frangelico
2 tbsp hazelnut butter

Combine egg whites and sugar in a Kitchenaid mixing bowl. Whisk constantly over a bain marie until 140F is reached. Place on mixer with whisk and whip until stiff. Turn down whip speed to 3rd and whip until cool to the touch (this takes a while - should be cooler than your hand). Change to a paddle and gradually add soft butter by tablespoon pieces. Mix to emulsify. Once desired consistency has been reached, add flavorings and beat until incorporated.

glaze
14 oz white chocolate, coarsely chopped
1/2 cup heavy cream (35% cream)

Melt the white chocolate with the heavy cream. Whisk the mixture gently until smooth. Let cool for 10 minutes and then pour over the chilled cake. Using a long metal cake spatula, smooth out into an even layer. Place the cake into the refrigerator for 30 minutes to set.

Assembling the Opera Cake:
Note: The finished cake should be served slightly chilled. It can be kept in the refrigerator for up to 1 day.

Line a baking sheet with parchment or wax paper. Working with one sheet of cake at a time, cut and trim each sheet so that you have two pieces (from each cake so you’ll have four pieces in total): one 10-inch (25-cm) square and one 10 x 5-inch (25 x 12½-cm) rectangle. Place one square of cake on the baking sheet and moisten it gently with the flavoured syrup. Spread about one-third of the buttercream over this layer. Top with the two rectangular pieces of cake, placing them side by side to form a square. Moisten these pieces with the flavoured syrup. Spread another third of the buttercream on the cake and then top with the third square of joconde. Use the remaining syrup to wet the joconde. Spread the remaining buttercream on top of the final layer of joconde and then refrigerate until very firm (at least half an hour). Make the glaze and after it has cooled, pour/spread it over the top of the chilled cake. Refrigerate the cake again to set the glaze. Serve the cake slightly chilled. This recipe will yield approximately 20 servings.

Having grown up in Virginia, the butt of our local jokes was usually West Virginia. When I headed to California for college, I began to hear a lot of jokes about Texas - especially after I met Jeremy, the native son of New Mexico. The one I heard most was:

Why is it so windy in New Mexico?
Because Texas sucks and Arizona blows.

I’m sure you can replace the states in that with any set of neighboring states, but it’s quite amusing to see how tickled folks from New Mexico are when they deliver the punch line… every time. The point is, it is not cool to love anything about Texas in the company I keep.

Well, I have to make an exception - two, in fact. I love Kathryn, who is a Texan transplanted to Norway, and I LOVE Texas-style barbecue beef brisket à la Dr. Hogly Wogly’s Tyler Texas Bar-B-Que (in Van Nuys, CA no less!). My former house president and good friend, Jack (oops! another Texan… make that three things I love about Texas), introduced me to The Doctor. It’s a hole-in-the-wall joint nestled between skanky billboards advertising gentlemen’s clubs and adult bookstores on Sepulveda Boulevard [8136 Sepulveda Blvd., Van Nuys, CA (818) 902-9046]. The waitresses are strapping ladies, not a single one under size 14 or shorter than 5 feet 10 inches, who can haul pounds of barbecue chicken, pork ribs, beef brisket, hot links, and the most delicious and decidedly non-vegetarian baked beans. Come to think of it, I don’t think a single thing on their menu is vegetarian… except possibly the lemonade and iced tea.

The Doctor is one of our favorite go-to eats when we visit So Cal, and their beef brisket is one of our favorite items on the menu. It sells out on Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, you name it. F’ing Good Stuff. A couple of weeks ago, a magazine editor contacted me asking if I had a nice photo of barbecue beef brisket. Um, I didn’t have any good ones and I usually barbecue pork because I am from Virginia where Pork is King. Ever since that email exchange, I have had barbecue beef brisket on the brain.

4.5 pounds of brisket with a healthy slab of fat on the other side

None of my barbecue books (all two of them) have Texas-style recipes. Believe it or not, I settled for a recipe on the (Pittsburgh) Post-Gazette Food section website. But hold on! It’s a recipe for Texas Beef Brisket from Celebrating Barbecue by Dotty Griffith. I had to give it a go.

a simple rub: salt, paprika, pepper, garlic powder

coat that baby well

I’ve actually done quite a bit of grilling/barbecuing the past couple of days. It’s just that time of year, you know? Good thing too, because today - Memorial Day - is cold, foggy, and drizzling outside, but my fridge is full of leftover galbi and beef brisket, and I have some pulled pork finishing in the oven (to give to our neighbors).

charring the fatty side on the grill

set in a baking pan and cover with foil

I know barbecue purists will argue for charcoal and smoke, but I can’t do that here without risking the very real danger of burning down my entire town and then some. It’s dry, it’s windy, we have a bark beetle infestation killing our pine forests, and my house is made of wood. Luckily, this recipe has a fail-safe technique which I took liberties with in using my gas grill. After charring the fatty side, it goes into the oven for 4-5 hours. I’m including both techniques in the recipe below.

prep the lone-star barbecue sauce

At this point, I usually want to mess with the recipe or swap out a different sauce. I like the Mutha sauce from Dinosaur BBQ, but I also love a sweeter Kansas City barbecue sauce recipe I got from a (tall and handsome) business school student neighbor when we were in grad school. But I was good and I stuck with the sauce in this recipe. I like that it calls for 1/4 cup of pan drippings in the end.

trimming off the layer of fat

slice the brisket against the grain

That is some good brisket. It’s not quite the same as Dr. Hogly Wogly’s, but it’s close. The sauce at The Doctor’s is spicier and I think the beef is juicier. Perhaps I should have used the wet mop? Will require more research (i.e. trip to So Cal and to see The Doctor), but for now, this recipe works for me. I hope it works for you too.

carnivores rejoice!

Texas Beef Brisket Barbecue
Celebrating Barbecue by Dotty Griffith

8-10 lbs beef brisket, untrimmed (thick layer of fat on one side) (I used a 4.5 lb slab)
Texas Dry Rub, or salt and black pepper to taste
Texas Wet Mop, optional
Lone Star Barbecue Sauce

texas dry rub
2 tbsp salt
2 tbsp black pepper
2 tbsp paprika
2 tbsp garlic powder

In an airtight container with a lid, combine the salt, pepper, paprika, and garlic powder. Shake to mix well. Sprinkle over the entire surface of the meat, concentrating on the fat layer. Rub or press into the fat and meat. Makes 1/2 cup.

texas wet mop
1 tsp salt
1 tsp dry mustard
1 tsp chili powder
2 tsps paprika
1/3 cup vegetable oil
2 cloves garlic, crushed
1 large (or 2 small) bay leaf
1 tsp red pepper sauce
1/2 cup Worcestershire sauce
1/3 cup cider vinegar
1 tbsp soy sauce
3 1/4 cups beef stock

In a medium saucepan, combine the salt, dry mustard, chili powder, paprika and vegetable oil. Stir to make a paste. Add the remaining ingredients slowly, stirring all the while. Place over medium heat and bring to a boil. Remove from the heat and allow to cool. Pour into a container with a tight-fitting lid and refrigerate until ready to use. Brush the mop on beef or ribs while barbecuing over dry (no water pan), indirect heat. Makes 1 quart.

lone star barbecue sauce
1 1/4 cups ketchup
1/3 cup Worcestershire sauce
1/3 cup lemon juice
1/3 cup packed brown sugar
1 tbsp yellow mustard
1/4 cup water
1 clove garlic, crushed
1/4 cup (1/2 stick) butter or pan drippings from barbecue

Combine the ketchup, Worcestershire sauce, lemon juice, brown sugar, mustard, water and garlic in a medium saucepan. Place over very low heat and simmer, stirring occasionally, 1 hour. For really smoky flavor, place on the grill away from the heat source during the last hour of smoking. Stir in the butter or drippings and cook 15 minutes longer. Pour into a container with a tight-fitting lid and refrigerate to store, up to 2 weeks. Makes about 3 cups.

Note: To obtain pan drippings, place a drip pan under the brisket during cooking or save the juices that collect while the meat rests during slicing. You can also heat some of the fat trimmings to obtain some fat drippings. If using the fail-safe technique of barbecuing brisket, as described with the accompanying recipe, the meat drippings collect in the foil and can easily be spooned up and added to the sauce.

Beef Brisket Long Technique: Generously coat all sides of the brisket, particularly the fat layer, with the rub or salt and pepper. Cover and let the meat come to room temperature, about 1 hour. Meanwhile, prepare a fire by lighting wood or a combination of wood and charcoal in the firebox of a cooker or at the end of a barrel smoker opposite the end with the vent or chimney. Or light the coals in a water smoker. Or preheat a gas smoker/grill. When the fire has burned down to glowing embers or the coals are covered with gray ash, place the brisket on the grate but not directly over the coals. Or place a full pan of water over the coals or hot lava rocks, then add the grate and brisket. The fire should be low, 225 to 250 degrees. Cover the cooker and smoke the brisket, turning every hour or so, until it is tender and the internal temperature reaches 180 to 190 degrees on an instant-read thermometer, 8 to 10 hours. Tend the fire by adding wood (or wood embers from a separate fire) or coals to keep it from going out and to keep the temperature inside the cooker between 225 and 300 degrees. If using a mop (basting is advisable only when cooking without a water pan), brush it on when turning the brisket or after tending the fire. When the brisket is charred and tender (a fork should insert easily), remove it from the cooker and allow to rest about 20 minutes. Trim off the fat layer and cut brisket in thin slices across the grain. Serve with warm barbecue sauce, if desired. Or stack several slices in a sandwich bun spread lightly with sauce. Add more sauce, as desired. Serves 10-12.

Beef Brisket Fail-Safe Technique: The following technique produces smoky, tender brisket and cuts the time almost in half. Generously coat all sides of the brisket, particularly the fat layer, with the rub or salt and pepper. Cover and let the meat come to room temperature, about 1 hour. Light a fire in a charcoal grill that is big enough to hold the brisket. Allow the coals to burn until covered with gray ash. Place the brisket on the grill, fat side down. Grill the brisket about 45 minutes or until the fat is charred, turning when necessary to stop fat from dripping into the fire. Squirt flare-ups with water to douse the flames. Remove the brisket from the grill. *Jen’s Note: I grilled over gas flame (medium) directly for 20 minutes until the fat side was charred then indirect heat for 20 minutes. Preheat the oven to 250 degrees. Place the brisket on a double thickness of aluminum foil in a shallow roasting pan. Wrap it tightly and bake for 4 to 5 hours or until the meat is very tender. Remove the brisket from the oven and peel back the foil. Increase the oven temperature to 350 degrees. Return the brisket to the oven and roast, uncovered, for 30 minutes to crisp the top layer of fat. Allow the meat to rest for 20 minutes. Trim off the fat layer and cut across the grain into thin slices. Serve with barbecue sauce.