use real butter

What does the passage of a year mean? We read so much into the Earth’s completion of her tiny path around the Sun. A way to mark Time because it doesn’t stop for anyone. I never stopped to think much about how we recognize these temporal ticks and why. Not much until my sister died - out of the blue, just like that. No time for good-byes, I-love-yous, what-do-you-want-us-to-dos. That sick and empty feeling sucking the breath out of me every time I came up for air. Stepping out into the night thinking she’d emerge from the darkness and tell me it was a mistake. A terrible mistake, please. Numb mind. Racing heart, aching heart… broken heart.

Not 24 hours earlier, a blanket for Ben? Sure, I could knit one for him. He may tell you his favorite color is pink, but it’s really green - you know, four-year olds. So glad she loved the blanket I knit for Emily. Only 10 days and already full of piss and vinegar, just like me, just like her mom. Love you. Love you too. Our last words to one another.

Just like that.

kris and me

Rummaging through old letters, old photos, I begged with my self from the past. Please, didn’t you take more? Didn’t you write more? Where are they… Why didn’t you save those thousands of emails? Because I always thought she’d be there. She told me it would always be us. I was grasping desperately to hold on to what was left, even though I knew I had what was most important already - in my head, in my heart. I would bring only what I could carry.

Four times around the Sun - I’ve gone in circles. May 1. That pain is still there if I want it, but I leave it be. I hold on to what keeps me going and what made her so dear to me: my best friend, my only sister. Laughter, snarky remarks, hugs, kisses, tears, practical jokes, heart-to-heart talks, phone calls, emails, visits, surprises, gifts, inside jokes, hopes and fears, plans for the future. Don’t mourn. Celebrate.

organic, ripe strawberries

Cooking is big in my family, yet somehow it skipped Kris. Surprisingly, her petite size 0 (yeah, you read that right) body could put away a lot of food - and good food at that. Whenever I visited Kris, I would cook for her and she would treat me to things we both loved to eat. I think she would have enjoyed these strawberries. I know she would have.

drying

For me, the most important part of the recipe is getting your hands on ripe strawberries, and you can only do that in season. I find that organic is far sweeter and more fragrant than conventional and this time they happened to cost the same. I gently wash the berries and then blot them and set them to dry completely. That’s pretty easy to do where I live as the humidity was somewhere around 50%.

64% Valrhona

If your berries are sweet, then a good bittersweet chocolate will play on that sweetness nicely. The Valrhona I used was just sweet enough. I think overly sweet chocolate kills the strawberry. I don’t bother tempering the chocolate when dipping strawberries because there are too many factors that don’t make it worth it for me.

dipping

I let the strawberries set up on their tops after dipping, because I dislike the foot you get when you set them on their sides to dry. This is probably one of the more aggravating steps - trying to balance the berries on their tops while wet with chocolate. They tend to tumble about and run into one another and smear chocolate everywhere. Maddening, I tell you.

steady…

Once the chocolate has set up in a cool room, I either dip in a different chocolate or do something lazy like drizzle white chocolate. I personally dislike white chocolate, but I find that a little bit adds a hint of sweetness to the shell of bittersweet on the strawberry.

adding visual and flavor contrast

Jeremy tells me the strawberries are perfection. I did take a nibble, despite knowing I wouldn’t be able to taste the full range of flavors because of the chemo. It’s like playing piano with mittens on your hands. However, the berries smelled right and I knew what the chocolate tasted like when I was healthy… Beethoven composed even when he was deaf. Of course, he was a genius and I’m just a tool ;)

to celebrate

Chocolate-Dipped Strawberries

24 ripe strawberries (I prefer organic)
8 oz bittersweet chocolate, chopped (used Valrhona 64%)
1 oz white chocolate, chopped

Rinse strawberries and gently pat dry. Set on a rack to dry completely. Melt bittersweet chocolate in a double boiler. Dip strawberries in chocolate and shake off excess. Set to dry on a rack (on the tops as shown in the photos) or on parchment (on the bottoms which will give you a foot of chocolate) in a cool, dry location. When chocolate has dried, melt the white chocolate and drizzle over the strawberries. Or, you can melt more white chocolate and dip the strawberries a second time.

I’ve been able to resume my cardio workouts this week and it feels great. It helps alleviate some of the lingering side effects. My body and mind are much happier for it too, albeit a little tuckered out. That’s okay with me. I am a firm believer in the no pain, no gain mantra. Did I mention that I’ve dropped two sizes? Crazy - I know. My oncologist mentioned that I hadn’t gained any weight as most of his chemo patients tend to. It’s hard to gain weight when food 1) tastes like ass and 2) plays havoc on your insides. At least the endorphins from my workouts are flowing - w00t!

Jeremy made it home late this afternoon. Even though I don’t get bent out of shape when he’s on travel, it’s always nice to see my best friend again. Some folks require time away from their partner, but we can get along 24/7 indefinitely and that’s a good thing to know. Actually, we can work together 24/7 in adverse conditions - read: vacation. I literally trust him with my life (well, he used to be high-angle Search and Rescue).

It’s now 1 am and Jeremy just woke up to operate that giant radio telescope… My astrophysicist is hot. [I was about to say astrophysicists are hot, but that is a totally untrue and completely laughable statement.]

This afternoon, I made a recipe I’ve been wanting to post for a while. I usually make these in small quantities when I need to use up leftover dough from Chinese dumplings. It’s something my mom always used to do when I was little. I never learned how to make these outright from my mom - the technique just sunk into my head with all of my visual memories of my childhood. Same with the dumplings. To see how the dough is made, I’ll refer you to the dumpling recipe.

chopped scallions

let the dough sit for 30 minutes under a damp cloth

We never ordered scallion pancakes at dim sum because my parents could make them much better at home. I follow the same general philosophy to this day - if I can make something at home with competence, then I don’t order it when dining out (because I’m usually disappointed).

shape the hunks of dough into racquetball-sized rounds

roll the dough out into a thin pancake

The scallion pancakes are an order of magnitude easier to make than the dumplings. They are also faster and far more forgiving of screw ups.

spread a thin layer of oil over the pancake

sprinkle salt

I discovered that I tend to underestimate the amount of salt needed in the pancake. I used to shake out what I thought was necessary and would realize it wasn’t salty enough after all was said and done. Now, I typically add more than most others would. Your mileage may vary, so the first time you try this recipe, cook the first pancake and taste it so you can adjust the rest accordingly.

sprinkle scallions then roll the pancake like a rug

roll it up like a snail

Rolling out the pancake can get a tad messy at this point because little pockets of air will burst and spew oil in the direction the pin is rolling.

roll out the pancake to 1/8th inch thickness

pan-fry in a little oil on both sides until golden

Frying the pancakes takes some time because I fry each side in about a tablespoon of oil over medium-low flame until crisp and golden. When they are done, you can serve them immediately or toast them up in the oven. Slice into quarters or eighths.

whole scallion pancakes

slice and serve

Chinese Scallion Pancakes

2 cups flour
1/2 cup warm water
1 bunch scallions, finely chopped
vegetable oil
salt

Make the dough, Method 1: Place the flour in the work bowl of a food processor with the dough blade. Run the processor and pour the warm water in until incorporated. Pour the contents into a sturdy bowl or onto a work surface and knead until uniform and smooth. The dough should be firm and silky to the touch and not sticky.[Note: it’s better to have a moist dough and have to incorporate more flour than to have a dry and pilling dough and have to incorporate more water).

Make the dough, Method 2 (my mom’s instructions): In a large bowl mix flour with 1/4 cup of water and stir until water is absorbed. Continue adding water one teaspoon at a time and mixing thoroughly until dough pulls away from sides of bowl. We want a firm dough that is barely sticky to the touch.

Both dough methods: Knead the dough about twenty strokes then cover with a damp towel for 15 minutes. Take the dough and form a flattened dome. Cut into 5 or 6 pieces of equal size. Roll the pieces into balls.

Place a ball of dough on a well-floured work surface and roll out into a thin circle (about 1/16th inch thickness). Spread a teaspoon of oil evenly over the pancake (use more if needed). Sprinkle salt evenly over the pancake. Sprinkle 1-2 tablespoons of scallions over the pancake. Roll the pancake up from one end like a rug, then curl the roll around in a spiral and pinch the end to the roll so it stays wrapped. With the palm of your hand, press the roll from the top to flatten it. Roll the pancake out to 1/8th inch thickness. Heat a tablespoon of oil on a flat, wide pan over a medium-low to medium flame until hot. Set the pancake in the oil and let fry until the bottom is crisp and golden. Flip the pancake, adding more oil as needed. Remove from heat and serve immediately or reheat in the oven.

I don’t have a beef with winter. Nor do I have a beef with spring when it turns the trees in my front yard into this:

these are my kind of april showers

I got my turns in today. There were ten fresh inches of powder at the local hill. Spring has been good to me.

jeremy discusses which run to ski next

chicks kick ass

Meme time again. Isa tagged me for a meme which is cute, but apparently doesn’t have a name. I’m going to dub it the “six words to describe me” meme. Here are the rules:

- Write your own six-word memoir;
- Post it on your blog and include a visual illustration if you’d like;
- Link to the person who tagged you in your post;
- Tag five more blogs with links;
- Remember to leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play.

six words
practical
realistic
friendly
active
curious
motivated

visual
I found some pictures of me with long hair… or any hair for that matter.

Instead of tagging five more blogs, I’m just going to tag anyone who wants to do this meme because I’m too lazy to look up the links and comment on their blogs. So much for motivated! *snort*

Yes, there is actually a recipe in here. One of the first things I learned to cook was Chinese stir-fried flank steak. I was a teenager and one evening, my mother looked at me and realized I was going to leave home for college some day. She ordered me to come watch her make this dish. While she deftly whipped it together, she told me she didn’t want me to starve when I left home. Obviously she had never heard of the freshman 15.

slice the flank steak against the grain

add cornstarch, soy sauce, and sesame oil

Despite being the first and one of the easiest Chinese dishes I learned to cook, this one reliably pleases the crowds. I always use flank steak. The cut of meat they use to sell pre-cut stir-fry beef in grocery stores is awful. It’s too tough and you should avoid it like the plague unless you intend to slow cook it (which isn’t stir-fry). On occasion, my parents will use filet mignon for their stir-fry. That is because they are made of money and I am not.

garlic, green onions, and the flank steak mixed with sauce ingredients

The trick is to have a hot sauté pan. I don’t own a wok. I never have. I make plenty of great Chinese dishes and you’d never know I used some crappy non-stick pan to cook it all. I’ll get a wok one day, but it’s not a huge priority right now.

toss the green onions and garlic into the hot oil

sauté the beef

I like to remove the beef from the pan when it is still pink in the center. Because it’s so thin and still hot, it will continue to cook after you’ve taken it off the burner. This helps keep it pretty tender. Then again, I like my beef mooing. The point is that you don’t need to cook it to death, but be sure to serve it immediately because it doesn’t retain heat for long.

serve on a bed of greens like sautéed spinach

best eaten hot

Chinese Stir-Fried Flank Steak

1 lb flank steak (can be frozen for an hour for easier slicing)
3 cloves garlic, roughly chopped
3 stalks green onion, cut into 1-inch pieces
3 tbsp soy sauce
1 tbsp sesame oil
2 tsp cornstarch
2 tbsp vegetable oil

Slice flank steak on the diagonal against the grain into thin pieces. In a bowl, mix the flank steak, soy sauce, sesame oil, and cornstarch together until beef is well coated. Heat the vegetable oil in a sauté pan on high heat. Toss in the garlic and green onion and stir-fry until fragrant. Add the beef and stir-fry constantly to ensure even cooking of the beef. When the beef is cooked with hints of pink, remove from heat. Serve on a bed of cooked greens (bok choy, broccoli, spinach, kale, etc.).