use real butter

*Rant On*
I originally wrote about my cancer, not to solicit advice or sympathy, but to explain why my blogging would be affected and to just toss out what was on my mind. It wasn’t an invitation for random headcases to swoop down upon me with quack remedies and solutions or to tell me what not to consume or who and how to worship. Just because I was diagnosed with cancer does not mean I welcome these obtuse assaults on my sensibilities. Personally, I don’t allow having good intentions excuse inconsiderate or stupid behavior. I don’t even tolerate that crap from people I know.

So, for anyone with unqualified advice on cancer (particularly if you haven’t HAD it) and how I should be living my life, please stay the hell away from me. When you get cancer, I’ll be sure to send all of the nutcases YOUR way so in addition to the shitty treatments, your various debilitating side effects, and the myriad of infections you contract, you - in your ample spare time and infinite energy - can sift through loads of freakishly useless advice because you know, that’s going to help your cancer heaps.
*Rant Off*

The heat continues to roast the Front Range of Colorado, but life must go on. And by life, I mean social life. And by social life I mean, social life involving food. I met up with friends for lunch today at Treppeda’s in Niwot. This place makes fantastic sandwiches as well as the famed Chicken Parm(esan) that my pals rave about. For me, there is no other than The Chief.

my favorite order at treppeda’s: chief niwot

Oh man, that sandwich was gooooooood. I love me some roast beast on good chewy bread. It’s almost like I am having an affair with The Chief because Jeremy has never eaten here and the one time I tried to bring him to Treppeda’s for lunch, they were closed.

I’m over two-thirds done with my radiation treatments. I met with my nurse today and she said that people who undergo radiation treatment after chemo typically report that they feel great and aren’t experiencing problems. They tend to be pretty energetic, upbeat, and happy. Those who haven’t had chemo often complain of fatigue and some discomfort. They just feel tired and drained of energy all the time. Huh. I guess that could be construed as a positive for chemo? Nah - chemo sucks the big one, period.

On our way home, we passed the Boulder Farmer’s Market and I pulled into the parking lot on a lark. Could it be that the peaches from the Western Slope have arrived? We made a quick pass up and down the stands. The only peaches were early peaches and those aren’t worth farmer’s market prices. Even the heirloom tomatoes looked like ass today. Still, the farmer’s market is bursting with color and vegetables. I am just anxious to get my grubby paws on some juicy sweet peaches because the ones at the grocery store blow. I left the market slightly disgruntled, but I imagine it was the 96 degrees in Boulder more than the lack of Western Slope peaches.

pretties

lovely squash

Which is why it’s so good to live in the mountains because as I pulled into our driveway, the temperature reading was 80 degrees! While that is still considered too hot by my standards, it is a welcome relief to the oppressive heat down on the flats. Deeeeelightful. I was able to whip up some dinner without blowing a fuse. We dined on the deck while admiring the heavy cloud cover and cool breeze. It cools down enough at night around here that I dare to turn on my oven when the fancy strikes me.

oh yesssss, butter and chocolate

other ingredients including espresso

So our recipe for today is brownies. Oddly enough, I have blondies in the oven as I type. We don’t discriminate in this house! I don’t crave brownies like some people, but I can eat them. I do tend to prefer chewy brownies to cakey brownies because if you are going to eat cakey brownies then just go and have real chocolate cake done right. That’s my take on it. I have yet to find the perfect chewy brownie recipe, but this one was quite nice. I made a hybrid of CHOW’s Intense Brownies and the Independence Pass Brownies from Susan Purdy’s Pie in the Sky cookbook. Basically, it’s the CHOW recipe adjusted for high altitude because that’s a pickle of a problem for me with about 50% of baked sweets.

pouring in the melted chocolate mixture

batter in

The plain brownies worked out quite well, but just a tad cakier than I would prefer. I made a second batch modified for Rocky Road style with macadamia nuts and marshmallows. The marshmallows pretty much disappeared during baking and the baking time had to be extended before the center of the pan could set properly. I think next time I should reserve some extra marshmallows to sprinkle on top. These were pretty successful although much sweeter (thanks to the marshmallows) and more gooey.

regular brownies

rocky road brownies: with mac nuts and marshmallows

Intense Brownies
modified from CHOW’s Intense Brownies

6 oz. bittersweet chocolate
8 tbsp unsalted butter (7 tbsp at 8500 ft.), at room temperature
2 eggs (3 at 8500 ft.), at room temperature
1 cup sugar (1 cup minus 1 tbsp at 8500 ft.)
1 tbsp unsweetened cocoa
1 tsp vanilla
1 tsp brewed espresso
3/4 tsp salt
1 cup flour (1 cup plus 2 tbsp at 8500 ft.)

rocky road version
1 cup chopped nuts
1 cup small marshmallows

Oven: 350°F. Butter an 8-by-8-inch baking pan. Combine chocolate and butter in a medium saucepan and cook over medium-low heat, stirring frequently, until evenly melted. Remove from heat and let cool to room temperature. Combine eggs, sugar, cocoa powder, vanilla extract, espresso, and salt in a large bowl and briefly stir until just evenly incorporated. Add cooled chocolate and mix until uniform in color. Add flour and stir until just incorporated. If making Rocky Road version, stir in half of the nuts and marshmallows. Pour batter into baking pan. If making RR version, sprinkle remaining nuts and marshmallow over the batter. Bake until a tester inserted in the center of the brownies comes out clean, about 25 to 30 minutes (23 minutes at 8500 ft., 26 minutes for RR version at 8500 ft.). Remove from the oven and cool completely before cutting.

a slice of lemon mirror cake: my click entry

I thought that when my chemo was over, I would resume my life more or less the way I was before chemo. I will be the first to point out that how I feel now is a million times better than how I felt during chemo - so this is a good thing. While my ideas and enthusiasm are nearly on par with what they are normally, the reality is that my carcass is still playing catch up for a variety of reasons (complications, unexpected lingering side-effects, etc.). Add to that the daily radiation treatments that cut right into the middle of the day and I find I am not getting to all of the items on my ginormous to-do list.

let’s make some lemon mousse

It’s okay. I have learned to accept these setbacks and make the best of it. The tagline on my personal blog reads “things don’t always go as planned” which is funny, because I coined that one before I was diagnosed. But it’s a good concept to keep in mind and I feel that it keeps me on my toes, keeps me from feeling “entitled” and allows me to maneuver through life with greater flexibility… greater happiness.

brushing soaking syrup onto the chiffon cake

I still have trouble in the kitchen because my left arm and left hand are experiencing problems including pain, numbness, and weakness. While I’m right-handed, any avid cook knows that you use BOTH hands when cooking or baking. But some things can’t wait and I feel happier overall when I can get into the kitchen and create something.

layering the mousse

After I had contacted Bee about contributing a prize for Bri’s fundraiser, she encouraged me to enter the CLICK photo competition for June. The theme: yellow. Ah yes, that damn cancer thing. Pink for breast cancer (I hate pink) and yellow for cancer (I don’t love yellow but I do hate cancer). It’s not that I wanted to enter the contest so much as I wanted to show my support for Bri. If you think you’re tired of hearing and reading about cancer, try having cancer… that gets old pretty fast.

pouring the mirror

What I realized while I made the cake was that it was very much like my own experience with cancer. I usually have a grand plan in my head for pastries I want to make. I think about it for as little as a few minutes to as much as a couple of weeks - planning flavors, textures, components, shape, presentation. I have *expectations* and then I play it out. I used to execute most of my baking plans with good effort and great success. But this time things were slower. Folding whipped cream into lemon curd hurt my hand. Washing dishes that I needed burned my tender skin. My strength and balance were a little off so that I bumped the mold against the wall of the fridge, spilling liquid gelatin over the top. All of that control I had commanded before… lost for now. It no longer became a matter of what shots I would get, but if I could manage a damn cake at all.

the mirror is set

After my surgery, but before my chemo, I thought I’d push through the treatment like I push through everything else in life - with determination and gusto. I had high expectations and a good attitude. Things were off to a decent start as I could still run a 5K after the first infusion and remain active and upbeat. However, the four and a half months chipped away at me with complications that were unforseen, side-effects harsh enough to knock a horse on its ass, and the reality that mine was not going to be an easy peasy treatment. I learned a lot about myself and my limits this year. I had a pretty good idea to begin with, but I have a deeper understanding now. I think that is a positive. I’m accepting that there are aspects in life that I cannot bulldoze through in my usual way and sometimes we have to make due with less than ideal - but we can still be happy.

Driving up the canyon on my way home the other day, I thought to myself how wonderful it was to be alive right then and there. To see the sun glistening off the pine forests, smell the canyon air, feel that lovely breeze cooling on my face - to be able to smile. As in chemo, as in baking, as in life… many of us persevere the crap to get to the reward on the other side. I suppose for me, the journey alone is reward in and of itself.

lemon mirror cake with raspberry coulis

Lemon Mirror Cake

1 sheet or 1 round lemon chiffon cake (1/2 recipe)
lemon mousse
limoncello soaking syrup
lemon mirror

lemon mousse
2 1/2 tsp powdered gelatin
2 oz fresh lemon juice
10 oz heavy cream (medium peaks)
8 oz lemon curd, freshly made or warmed
1 oz light corn syrup
1/2 tsp lemon extract

Bloom gelatin in lemon juice then melt it to 100°F. Whip the heavy cream to medium peaks. Cover and put in refrigerator. Blend together the warm curd with the corn syrup and the lemon extract, stirring with a whisk. Add the melted gelatin to the curd. Strain and cool the mixture to 70°F. Temper 1/2 of the whipped cream into the curd mixture. Fold in remaining whipped cream. Immediately use the mousse, cover and refrigerate until set.

lemon mirror
1 1/2 cups lemonade, strained
1 tsp lemon juice
1 tbsp limoncello
1 tbsp water
1 tbsp unflavored gelatin
1 drop yellow food coloring

Place lemon juice, limoncello, and water in a small bowl. Sprinkle gelatin over this mixture; set aside until spongy and soft. Heat lemonade in a pan until it simmers and pour over gelatin mixture. Stir to dissolve gelatin. Stir in the yellow food coloring. Place bowl over ice bath and stir occasionally until the mixture is syrupy.

Assembly: Place ring mold on foil base. Cut the cake into two slices for the shape of the mold or pan you are using. Set the first slice down in the ring mold and brush with half of the soaking syrup. Pour half of the mousse on top of the cake layer. Set the second cake layer over the mousse and soak with remaining syrup. Pour the rest of the mousse on top and smooth the surface. Refrigerate until the mousse is set. Remove from refrigerator and pour mirror on top and return to the refrigerator until gelatin is set. Unmold and serve.

I’m not cooking or baking as much as I’d like and that’s mostly because I’m dealing with unpleasant physical issues related to my least favorite of my chemo drugs. [I know that the last infusion was almost 6 weeks ago, but please tell that to the drugs…] I met with my oncologist this morning and he hasn’t seen it before in his many years of poisoning cancer patients. Great! I’m exceptional in every frakking way… Meanwhile, it would seem that all of my medical appointments have piled together lately such that I fell asleep on the table last night during my heart scan. Well, I’d rather sleep through Journey wailing over the speakers than listen to it while isotopes go racing through my heart.

[While waiting for my radiation appointment this afternoon, I’m killing time by blogging from a bakery in Boulder. Dude half my age just walked past and winked at me. WTF?]

Yesterday evening as Jeremy drove me to my heart scan down on the flats, I spied some mammata forming in the distance. Mammata clouds are typical precursors to tornadoes. In very simple terms, they indicate instability in the atmosphere. We see a lot of them in the summer around these parts.

mammata: look like giant grapes or… boobies

The breast-like shape of the clouds is where the name comes from, but a few years ago I was hiking with 5 female atmospheric scientists in the Rockies when we spied mammata forming in the sky. They insisted on referring to them as testicular clouds. So there you have it. I just think they’re very cool (both the clouds and the female atmospheric scientists).

We had a wonderful, albeit short visit with my aunt and her family over the weekend. Everyone enjoyed the time spent together, particularly Kaweah because she received 150% more attention and love than usual. She also found a nice big stick to drag around the lake.

our guests

the happiest pup

going home so soon?

The weather has been getting warm as summer fast approaches our corner of the globe. Although it is usually cool enough where we live that baking in the oven doesn’t make me homicidal, there is nothing quite like serving up homemade ice cream to cool off in the afternoon heat. While Jeremy’s requests usually center on one of three caffeinated flavors (chocolate, coffee, or matcha green tea), I had summer on the brain.

blackberries

I am so enamored with David Lebovitz’s custard-based ice cream recipes from The Perfect Scoop that I had no choice (no choice!!) but to try his recipe for raspberry ice cream - except I subbed blackberries for the raspberries so I could make the stains on my t-shirt even more permanent.

make a purée

David suggests 6 cups of fresh raspberries to yield 1 1/2 cups of raspberry purée. I used 6 cups of blackberries and I can assure you that you only need 4 cups, tops. I also realized that what has been missing in my life is a food mill.

strain out the seeds

Pressing the purée through the sieve is just an exercise in incessant swearing and several extra stains on your clothes (well, several on my clothes anyway). I complained about this on my personal blog and my buddy Rob is now sending me a food mill! What a sweetheart. Or maybe he just wants me to shut up about it already? *snort*

sugar and half-and-half

straining the custard into the cream

This batch of blackberries is, me thinks, early for the season. The flavor is nice, but it isn’t out-of-this-world bursting with sun-ripened goodness. Oh well. And ever since my girl, Peabody, wrote about how the first time she saw a man picking blackberries on the roadside, she thought he was taking a leak… That image is now permanently lodged in my brain. Thanks lady ;)

stirring in the purée

I served the ice cream to our guests over the weekend and heard a lot of mmm mmm mmming. It’s a smooth and rich treat to be sure. The quality is entirely dependent on your ingredients, specifically the berries. So be sure to procure some damn tasty berries to make it worth the effort. It’s a gorgeous color, no?

purple love

Blackberry Ice Cream
adapted from Raspberry Ice Cream in The Perfect Scoop by David Lebovitz

1 1/2 cups half-and-half
1 cup sugar
1 1/2 cups heavy cream
4 large egg yolks
1 1/2 cups strained blackberry purée (from 4 cups whole blackberries)
1 tbsp fresh lemon juice

Warm half-and-half and sugar in medium saucepan. Pour cream into large bowl and set mesh strainer over top. In separate medium bowl, whisk together egg yolks. Slowly pour warm milk into the egg yolks, whisking constantly, then scrape the warmed egg yolks back into saucepan. Stir mixture constantly over med heat with heatproof spatula, scraping bottom as you stir until mixture thickens and coats spatula. Pour custard through the strainer and stir into cream. Mix in purée and lemon juice then stir until cool over ice bath. Chill thoroughly in fridge and churn ice cream according to ice cream maker’s instructions within 4 hours after making mixture (to preserve the fresh berry taste). Makes 1 liter.