use real butter

I need a favor here, folks.

I’m a pretty independent chick, ask anyone who knows me. It’s a fairly small circle of people that I allow myself to rely upon - that I allow myself to feel safe enough around when I’m vulnerable or in need. It is just my way. This was especially true during chemo. I made mention of how chemo kinda sucked and made a mess of my ski season and my food blogging but… I never talked about the other stuff like desperately holding back tears and an unexpected wave of shock when I left the hairdresser’s after getting my head shaved despite not caring about the hair itself. Or trying to get sick as quietly as possible in the middle of the night hour after hour, night after night so I wouldn’t wake Jeremy because he was exhausted from taking care of me and working 80+ hours a week on his own demanding job. Or feeling so hungry from not being able to digest solid food for 5 days that when I dared to nibble on soft bread it felt like razors going down my throat and racked my insides for hours. Or lying in so much pain at home alone that I couldn’t get up to take my meds and I actually cried to the dog to fetch the bottle (it didn’t work - she just kept pawing at me to be let up on the bed to snuggle).

But the worst was the mental and emotional isolation. Even though Jeremy tried to always be there for me, I could see he was giving more energy than he had. Did I mention that his sideburns have started to turn grey since I began chemo? Yeah, I’ve given my beautiful husband premature grey. I couldn’t bring myself to ask more of him, to ask him to talk to me about my fears, my sadness - only to stress him out and force him to pile more on his plate - because he would do that for me. So I let those thoughts fester in my mind for a long time, alone.

And one night while I sat around waiting to get sick after my fifth round, I read on Married with Dinner that Bri’s cancer had come back - this time in her bones, in her lungs… I don’t know how dread affects you… I’ve experienced genuine dread a couple of times in my life and it’s a sucking feeling in my gut that quietly, but instantly empties my body of breath. I had, until then, kept fears of recurrence and doubt of my own treatment under wraps - stuffing it down into the furthest corners of my brain - for my own mental well-being. I try to avoid histrionics and self-induced hysteria because I’ve seen it in others and it’s really ugly, really destructive. I don’t live that way. But I sat in the dark, in disbelief, tears rolling off my face - for Bri, for myself, for the bullshit that is cancer and the ridiculous treatment that isn’t really a treatment but more like a blunt instrument where a precision tool is required. On Bri’s blog she said, “I’ve been to a couple doctors, and one of my greatest fears has been pretty well confirmed.”

I had asked my oncologist earlier what he would do if my cancer came back. He said it wouldn’t. I was persistent and when I asked if I would have to do the chemo again, my voice broke. His jolly demeanor saddened and he softly told me I wouldn’t do this chemo again, that there would be better treatments down the road. I thought it was a non-answer, but cancer treatment is a non-answer in my opinion. I went into round 6 with a positive smile and cake for my nurses. I joked with my dear oncologist and handed him a few thank you gifts: a photo of a lovely Colorado stream, some fishing flies, a book on cosmology that Jeremy had selected for him, and a card. In that card I told him I don’t fear death so much as not being able to live a quality life. Yes, I know Bri’s fear.

When my surgeon recently removed my port, I mentioned that I had felt a tiny lump in my left breast and I wasn’t sure what it was. As I spoke, I couldn’t keep that fear in check and it tumbled out into my words, into my tears. Luckily, the ultrasound was clean and I can get on with my radiation treatment and stop freaking myself out for a while. I know each person is different as is each case, but I can’t help but feel a pang in my heart when I think of Bri and it is not sympathy, but empathy.

Bri was first diagnosed with breast cancer at age 28, two and a half years ago. I was diagnosed at 36 last year. [If I had been diagnosed at 28, the first thing I would have done was quit my PhD program and tell a certain faculty member where he could stick the dissertation and all of Northern Chile.] Bri had a full mastectomy of her right breast. For those who aren’t in the know, a full mastectomy means no more right boobie, understand? This is almost guaranteed to throw any woman for a loop. And you thought hairloss was a big deal for a chick… So after this crude and barbaric surgery (I’m sure my surgeon would disagree with this characterization, but then again, he doesn’t have boobies to lose) she underwent the suckiest chemo possible because she’s young and they always come *this close* to killing you when you’re “young and healthy”. She was theoretically clean for 2 years and now it’s back and the cancer is Stage IV. Again, for anyone who isn’t up on the cancer lingo, there is no Stage V - Stage IV is teh suck. Bri has begun a different form of chemo, but it is still chemo and it still blows. In addition to the conventional methods of treatment, Bri is also attempting other alternative forms of treatment which her insurance company won’t cover (big surprise!). I won’t open up a tirade on health care in this country right now because I’d like to finish this post before summer begins…

This all leads to why I went rattling on and on for several paragraphs. Bee and Jai of Jugalbandi and many other wonderful food bloggers decided to help raise money to aid in Bri’s medical costs. Jugalbandi has turned the monthly CLICK! event into a special fundraiser for Bri. The deadline for CLICK! is June 30, 2008. Part of the fundraiser is a raffle with prizes and I am contributing a matted photo to that bounty. You may recall from Menu for Hope that I offered this photo which had been featured on the NPR website:

the owl creek pass aspen stand

I’m offering this photo again because it goes so well with the yellow theme of CLICK! and LiveSTRONG. One raffle ticket costs $25 and this puppy will ship anywhere in the world. It is an original photo by yours truly at 12×18 inches matted to 18×24 inches with your choice (if you are the winner) of a black matboard with white core or white matboard with black core. I’ll plant my l’il ole siggy on it too. All materials are archival. Really, you should go and peruse all of the raffle prize offerings. You have until July 15, 2008 to bid.

Seriously though, I could care less if you bid on my photo or not. What I really want is for you to consider making a donation either by buying a raffle ticket or just donating outright for Bri (but if you’re going to donate $25, you may as well get the ticket unless we all agree that it’s Christine’s turn to win the photo!). It’s obvious that I feel a connection to what Bri has gone through and is dealing with now. I want to help her. I guess I am hoping that we will all help her in some small way. Thanks for staying on the line this far.

To my Darling Daring Bakers: I made the cake yesterday and planned to have a post up by this morning, but I got really sick. I’m just posting the final pic and I will have the rest up at a later time. I am off to the ER. I’m sorry!! xxoo, jen

Update: May 30, 2008
I’m back, kids! Sorry to worry everyone. I had a 48+ hour bout of seriously bad stomach juju with fever to boot. Oncology doesn’t like fever+chemo (no one seemed all that concerned with my debilitating stomach cramps) and sent me to the ER to check for infection. I mean, wouldn’t it suck to finish 6 rounds of the toughest chemo regimen on tap only to die of some damn secondary infection at the very end? That answer would be a resounding hell yeah.

So thanks for all of the wonderful and kind comments you have left. It wasn’t my intention to stress you happy bakers out.

the daring bakers: we knead to bake

As most of you have figured out, I *am* a Daring Baker. Daring Bakers kick ass and they are also spreading like a virus through the food blogosphere. If you aren’t a Daring Baker (all two of you who are left) then you will be assimilated soon enough… oh yes… you will be. This month’s challenge is: The Opera Cake. Our hosts for the challenge are our beloved Daring Bakers’ founders Lis (La Mia Cucina) and Ivonne (Cream Puffs in Venice), and two of our newer DB members Fran (Apple Peaches Pumpkin Pie) and Shea (Whiskful). You can scope out all of the gorgeous Opera Cakes at the rest of the Daring Bakers’ blogs on the blogroll. Thank you, ladies!

ground almonds are the base of the jaconde

Now I, like my fellow kickass betty, Peabody, was very excited to see the May challenge was L’Opéra. And I, like my fellow kickass betty, Peabody, swore when I read that it couldn’t be dark. Not morbid, mind you, but dark as in chocolate or coffee or cocoa. I have trouble thinking of an opera cake that doesn’t have that fantabulous dark chocolate glaze and tantalizing layers. Okay, but I’m a sport… mostly. I hemmed and hawed for several weeks over what flavors to select because honestly, I detest white chocolate.

folding in the whites

I left the jaconde with an almond base as I had never tried it before - plus I am a huge fan of almonds. That was simple enough and came together as easily as a chiffon cake.

pour the batter

The first sign of trouble came when I decided to follow the instructions and bake both of my jelly roll pans in the oven at the same time. My oven is not an equal opportunity baker in that the bottom pan burned its base before the top pan even set. Surprisingly unphased, I decided to halve the recipe upon removing the cake from the oven. For the buttercream recipe, I resorted to my favorite Swiss meringue buttercream recipe, because it never fails me and we were given the freedom to make this substitution. I made a half batch and flavored it with Frangelico and a heaping tablespoon of hazelnut butter (from Whole Foods).

hazelnutty!

I flavored the simple syrup with Frangelico as well. My original plan was to have an orange-flavored (Grand Marnier) white chocolate mousse for my top layer, because I rather liked the combination of hazelnut and orange in this brittle. That tanked because my white chocolate separated too much (my fault - heat was too high) and the mousse never firmed up, insisting on remaining the consistency of vomit. Just reinforcing my already pissy feelings for white chocolate.

applying the simple syrup

I left the glaze as a white chocolate ganache. In hindsight, I should have flavored it with orange and probably should have spread it as thin as humanly possible the way Tartelette did (she’s brilliant, no?). I just cannot stand the stuff. It’s too sweet and I feel it hijacks the other more subtle and pleasant flavors of the cake. Damn you, white chocolate!

glazing

I haven’t eaten the cake proper, only tasted the trimmings from the edges. I find the glaze to be narsty, but the rest of the cake is wonderful once you scrape the glaze off. Would I make this again? Not a white version and certainly not one with white chocolate, but I would most definitely go for a classic version with a twist.

hazelnut and white chocolate opera cake

Opera Cake
based on recipes in Dorie Greenspan’s Paris Sweets and Tish Boyle and Timothy Moriarty’s Chocolate Passion
full recipe

jaconde
6 large egg whites, at room temperature
2 tbsp (30 g) granulated sugar
2 cups (225 g) ground blanched almonds
2 cups icing sugar, sifted
6 large eggs
½ cup (70 g) all-purpose flour
3 tbsp (1½ oz; 45 g) unsalted butter, melted and cooled

Divide the oven into thirds by positioning a rack in the upper third of the oven and the lower third of the oven. Preheat the oven to 425F. (220C). Line two 12½ x 15½- inch (31 x 39-cm) jelly-roll pans with parchment paper and brush with melted butter. In the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with the whisk attachment (or using a handheld mixer), beat the egg whites until they form soft peaks. Add the granulated sugar and beat until the peaks are stiff and glossy. If you do not have another mixer bowl, gently scrape the meringue into another bowl and set aside. If you only have one bowl, wash it after removing the egg whites or if you have a second bowl, use that one. Attach the paddle attachment to the stand mixer (or using a handheld mixer again) and beat the almonds, icing sugar and eggs on medium speed until light and voluminous, about 3 minutes. Add the flour and beat on low speed until the flour is just combined (be very careful not to overmix here!!!). Using a rubber spatula, gently fold the meringue into the almond mixture and then fold in the melted butter. Divide the batter between the pans and spread it evenly to cover the entire surface of each pan. Bake the cake layers until they are lightly browned and just springy to the touch. This could take anywhere from 5 to 9 minutes depending on your oven. Place one jelly-roll pan in the middle of the oven and the second jelly-roll pan in the bottom third of the oven. Put the pans on a heatproof counter and run a sharp knife along the edges of the cake to loosen it from the pan. Cover each with a sheet of parchment or wax paper, turn the pans over, and unmold. Carefully peel away the parchment, then turn the parchment over and use it to cover the cakes. Let the cakes cool to room temperature.

syrup
1/2 cup (125 g) water
1/3 cup (65 g) granulated sugar
1-2 tbsp flavoring of your choice (i.e., vanilla extract, almond extract, cognac, limoncello, coconut cream, honey etc.)

Stir all the syrup ingredients together in the saucepan and bring to a boil. Remove from the heat and let cool to room temperature.

hazelnut buttercream
8 oz egg whites
16 oz sugar
1 lb butter, room temperature
2 tbsp Frangelico
2 tbsp hazelnut butter

Combine egg whites and sugar in a Kitchenaid mixing bowl. Whisk constantly over a bain marie until 140F is reached. Place on mixer with whisk and whip until stiff. Turn down whip speed to 3rd and whip until cool to the touch (this takes a while - should be cooler than your hand). Change to a paddle and gradually add soft butter by tablespoon pieces. Mix to emulsify. Once desired consistency has been reached, add flavorings and beat until incorporated.

glaze
14 oz white chocolate, coarsely chopped
1/2 cup heavy cream (35% cream)

Melt the white chocolate with the heavy cream. Whisk the mixture gently until smooth. Let cool for 10 minutes and then pour over the chilled cake. Using a long metal cake spatula, smooth out into an even layer. Place the cake into the refrigerator for 30 minutes to set.

Assembling the Opera Cake:
Note: The finished cake should be served slightly chilled. It can be kept in the refrigerator for up to 1 day.

Line a baking sheet with parchment or wax paper. Working with one sheet of cake at a time, cut and trim each sheet so that you have two pieces (from each cake so you’ll have four pieces in total): one 10-inch (25-cm) square and one 10 x 5-inch (25 x 12½-cm) rectangle. Place one square of cake on the baking sheet and moisten it gently with the flavoured syrup. Spread about one-third of the buttercream over this layer. Top with the two rectangular pieces of cake, placing them side by side to form a square. Moisten these pieces with the flavoured syrup. Spread another third of the buttercream on the cake and then top with the third square of joconde. Use the remaining syrup to wet the joconde. Spread the remaining buttercream on top of the final layer of joconde and then refrigerate until very firm (at least half an hour). Make the glaze and after it has cooled, pour/spread it over the top of the chilled cake. Refrigerate the cake again to set the glaze. Serve the cake slightly chilled. This recipe will yield approximately 20 servings.

Jeremy has been busting ass more than usual for the past 8 days on work stuff. That and he was simultaneously taking care of me after my last chemo. Poor guy was feeling stressed out, exhausted. So I asked him if he’d like to catch a movie today. Jeremy loves to go to the movies. Just loves it. I could go either way and my tolerance for crappy movies is far far lower than his. He worked from home in the morning and drove me into Boulder to catch Iron Man - because we are both comic book adaptation whores. [I not so secretly covet Dark Phoenix’s telekinetic and psychic powers.] Thoroughly entertaining movie.

After the flick, we stopped at Chez Thuy for a delicious lunch of soft shell crab, pan-fried noodles, and crispy duck.

i had a craving for crunchy

seriously good flavor

The food at Chez Thuy is always great, but the service… Each time I’ve been, the female wait staff is just grumpy as hell. They act as if you are single-handedly making their lives suck. They grunt at you, don’t make eye contact, and have a look on their face as if they are constipated. This baffles me. The male servers on the other hand, are so sweet and pleasant. This also baffles me.

After picking up groceries, I was done - wiped. I should be recovering my energy any day now, but apparently not just yet. Luckily, my driver was kind enough to pull over a couple of times on the way home so I could photograph more blooms. The leaves on the trees are glowing like brilliant yellow-green gemstones right now. I feel so alive to feel the warmth of the sunshine and enjoy the cool air breezes.

lilacs

I love lilacs. I was first made aware of them when I used to hike the San Gabriels out of Pasadena. The wild Ceanothus (California Lilac) littered the trailsides in white, pink, purple every spring. At Cornell, the lilac blossoms and their heavenly scents ushered in warmer weather and the exodus of the undergraduate population from Ithaca. I relished walking home through the Arts Quad, inhaling the delicate perfume, the Chimes ringing out the close of the day with enough light left for a run along Fall Creek.

some nice ones by the justice league center

Further up canyon is my absolute favorite Tree. Yes, this one particular tree is my favorite in Boulder Canyon. I have admired it for nearly three years now, but it is this time of year when it explodes in its true glory.

of course, a cherry

First, it’s huge. Second, it is situated right around the bend (coming from either direction) and the sudden appearance of this tree - loaded with blossoms overhanging Boulder Creek - is a happy-making sight. I’ve made mental notes to myself in past years to stop and shoot it, but always managed to miss the window of blossoms, having a camera on me, and not being in a rush to get someplace. I got a few shots off today, but more than anything, I just enjoyed standing on the narrow shoulder of the road, admiring my beloved tree.

For some reason the spring bloom is ever more precious this time around. Well, I know the reason. Perspective is important.